DEAR DIARY (oct 29th 7:00 pm) MOOD: Im OK, I've been happy & I've been sad, I'm just holding my head above water, right now I'm tired and a bit depressed.
HEALTH: I was well enough to clean the house for my great uncle, but now I feel sick
So today Brittany Ruggels (Bubles) sends me these little FWDs with cute messages, she sends them a lot to Many people. And I usually end up smiling or giggeling or passing it on or whatever.
But the first one says: "If you wake up today with more health than sickness you are lucky" and I woke up feeling poorly. I woke up several times and kept going back to sleep because I was too dizzy to stand. Reading that made me sad. And yea, I had all the other things "if you woke up and you had money. . .family. . .religious freedom, etc, etc. And I should count my blessings more often, I know. But I looked at all the people that Brittany sent it to and I thought "none of them wake up sick. They get to date and party and be happy." And I know that I'm not the only one in the world with a hard life, but SO FEW of them wake up every day and feel the way I feel. I know some do and outside of my happy healthy friends I know people have very big problems. But I hated reading that and going "damn. Why me?" NOVEMBER 4th
MOOD: Not bad, but not good
HEALTH: I'd like to be better, but this isn't a bad day.
DEAR DIARY,
Well, Mom called the state and asked how we would get a disabled parking sticker for the car. So when Andrew & I are going shopping, or out to eat, or to the doctor we don't have to waste our precious energy on walking across the parking lot.
The doctor can fill out a form and we're good. I was glad that it was that easy, but sad, too. We also decided that if Andrew or I go shopping we will get a whelchair. Because many days I feel OK and the "fog" isn't bad, and I havem say, 30 minutes of shopping in me.
But I don't have 15 minutes of walking around in me.
Again, I'm happy that that's available to me. But why me, huh?
So, I'm kind of sad today. November 16th
MOOD: HAPPY!!!
HEALTH: The fog is thick today, but I'm doing OK anyway.
Dear Diary,
I don't just feel happy, I feel LOVED. Honestly, truely loved. It's been a while since I felt that way.
Erik IMed me today and it was fun talking to him, he always makes me smile.
Then I got a package from Katy, she got ppublished in her school's literary magazine. And she sent me a copy. That really meant a lot to me. She was one of the people I felt I could've become great friends with, had I not gotten sick, but her understanding is great, she seems to accept me, and try to work around it. She wrote me a letter on the cover "read it when you can if you want. . ." I felt bad then, doesn't she know how much I adore her? All my friends, I'll do anything for them. So I sent her a letter telling her how much I love her and her poem (but honestly, Diary, the FOG was so thick, I couldn't really understand it, I'll look over it again when I feel well.
Also, JOrdana IMED me. That was nice.
I IMed Kat. She said "Mr. Arlington is over!!" I thought she meant the guy was over at her house. When I was like "WHAT?" She explained she just meant the compotition was over. It seems like a lot to ask her cross-country friend to care & understand.
Dad called from Cali. and he said he read all my CFS stuff I sent with him to show to family (and my notes in the margins) and said he really appreciated my sense of humor, I liked that.
Good day today.
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DECEMBER 4th
MOOD: HAPPY!!
HEALTH: Acceptable
TODAY I'M HAPPY!!!!
Yes, I'm very happy! I don't fell great, but better than normal which is good. I went to the horrible doctor. But that is not why I am happy.
Do you know BLUEMOUNTAIN ARTS? That's where I send you all of my cards from. They have a holiday card for just about everyday. There's LABOR DAY & all, but also Maine Lobster Day. So I looked up MAY 12th (which is CFS awareness day) and asked them to change it. AND THEY DID!! So, on MAY they will have list of holidays on the left side of the hompage and one will say "CFS AWARENESS DAY" and people can send cards!!
I'm SO HAPPY.
It's kinda sick.
But I'm kinda sick, so it's OK.
A little CFS humor there. he he he =0)
ALSO, remember that link I sent you and everybody (mom said I explained it poorly, you visit it, and sponsers donate money everytime a person clicks it.) So I told everybody (DUH) a CFS chick, included and she was really excited, too. She's telling everyone. AND I posted info on my CFS on-line support group.
So, life isn't wonderful, but I feel like I'm helping people like me MAKE it wonderful.
Get that? I don't. You know what I mean.
So, I'm just really, really pleased with everything. And you know it's been a while since I've just been happy about everything.
It's a nice feeling!
Oh, and also, I was intelligent last night & said impressive things to dad, who went and bragged about me today. It was "deep" so everyone was like "oooh, ahhh" so YAY!!
LOL, I called dad and when he was trying to get me to shut up to he could leave, he was like "so. . ." and I said "So. . .YAY! That's what it is YAY"
"Sure, Adrienne, because that's what I was thinking, 'yay'"
=p
FINALLY, Ellen is saying that if I give her a blue ribbon she will wear it to school and tell everyone that it's the ribbon for CFS. She was unsure before, cuz she knew everyone would ask about it, and she wasn't sure she really wanted to get into all that. I totally respect her thought, but I was extra-special happy when she had reconsidered. She's proud of me for my little activism trip. (and my plans, I want to submit and article to the newspaper in APRIL for MAY 12th and maybe even contact a local news station. But I'm getting WAY ahead of myself in both time & energy. I have MONTHS to worry about that.)
So, YAY!
~Adrienne =*
DECEMBER 8th, 2000
MOOD: Worried
HEALTH: Phyisically, ok. Brain Fog is thick
Dear Diary,
Tomorrow I'm taking a high school equivalency test. I'm pretty scared. Mom says don't worry it doesn't matter. First of all: it does matter.
Second of all: Even if nobody in the whole world cares, I'll care. I used to grade as if I was a college sophmore. How many years ago was that? Only 2? It feels like it was a lifetime ago. No, scratch that. It feels like it was somebody else, and I just inhabit her body.
I can't score 6th grade or something and feel good about myself.
I can't be dumb on top of everything else. December 12th 2:48 pm
Dear Diary,
I was reading this short story and the guy was telling the girl how she was home to him.
Part of me reveled in that thought.
Another part of me wondered if I could ever be home to someone, if I could stop trying to find my home long enough to become it for someone else.
And I was scared I wouldn't able to be loved for yet one more reason.
Then, I wasn't too surprised to find out I was crying.
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DECEMBER 30th- 2:46pm
Health: Average
MOOD: Depressed
DEAR DIARY
"Please God, please tell me that I'm still asleep."- Pinch Me, barenaked ladies
I was about to go out rollerblading today, and I skated past a mirror on my way out the door and I was just shocked to see that I'm pretty and I can't WAIT to be unleashed upon the world, for I know I will shine.
But at the same time I am aware of all my flaws and I wish I could be better. Everyone is SO AHEAD of me, I just want to be like them.
I want this to all be a bad dream and realize that 2 years of my life haven't been wasted and I'm OK.
"When I'm done with crying, then I'm done with you" I DO, Lisa Loeb
I want so much to be normal and to live the life that you see on TV and read in books. Maybe I'm still delusional. Maybe I still want a Fairy Tale life and by now I should know better. My mind screams out that I'm too old for all this. But my heart wants to be carefree and innocent and happy. Maybe that's dumb.
You know that show DARK ANGEL? (see "nothing better to do" page for pics & links) Well, this guy practically tortured the kids so they would be stronger. Held them underwater as they kicked and screamed. And it was wrong, and I feel for the kids, though they're fake. But in the end, they could stay underwater for 6 minutes.
But I was thinking today: I'm being held underwater, too. I'm struggling to breath and fighting to break the thin barrier that keeps me trapped. But, I too, am being held down, trying desperatly to breathe when there is no air.
And I want so much to fill my lungs with Oxygen and smile as my throat gets sore frim my deep ragged breaths.
On one hand, I want so much to stop dreaming, to just accept my life and surrender to it, maybe that would make the pain go away.
Yet, I think if I ever stopped strivig for a better life I will drown.
WHAT PURPOSE DOES THIS TORTURE SERVE?!?!
"He sold his soul for his youth. What do you want?"
"I want to live my youth while I have it."
-I capture the castle
I tried calling Bethany Rose today. I wanted to say thanks for the cute gifts she gave me, and just remind her that I love her.
Megan picked up the phone, she had spent the night and they were trying to make Bethany look like an albino, and even over the phone I could hear the shreiks of laughter
At that moment I would have sold my soul to the devil to be part of that again, to just revel in it.
"Good-bye, there's just no sadder word to say, and it's hard to walk away with just the memories. . .but please remember our time together, please remember"- Coyote Ugly Soundtrack, LeAnne Rhymes
I don't really miss NY. Sure I miss my friends, and the fact that I was close to them; I miss walking to the diner for icecream after school; I miss curling up in my rec room and reading, talking on the phone and watching TV all the at same time, for no other reason except I COULD; I miss walking tha malll; I miss sleepovers; I miss knowing every intimate detail of my best friends' lives.
As I write this I realize that is not limited to my friends, my old life, NY. . .it's being a KID.
And I miss that so much sometimes I think that I will just cry and never stop.
"And I'm still recalling things you said to make me feel all right. . .I pray that you will hold me dear, though I'm far away" As I lay me down to sleep, Sophie B Hawkins
I tell myself that I got CFS for a reason, though I can't think of what it is. I hate being torn from the only life I've ever known, a life of happiness. I never expected a perfect life. I never even wanted one, but this is too much. I'm drowning and I don't know how I can ever get out of this whirlpool.
"On a different day If I was safe in my own skin Then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened But this is today
And I'm lost in my own skin And I'm so lonely I don't even want to be with myself anymore."
-Dido ("Honestly OK")
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