People always say (well, believers say, doubters are something else entirely, but that's another article) that I must be so brave to have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
They act as if it's a choice. You have to be brave! There's no other option. The only choice I see lies in how strong you are when it comes to getting well.
I admit it, CFS is fine, I can smile through the pain and write poems to get out my angst and update my web site regularly, but I'm terrified to get well.
How is that possible? You ask. How could someone who does nothing but bitch about the sorry state her life is in have any reservations about getting well?
Sounds unbelievable, I know. But being sick is all I know. I've been so stunted and daunted I question my ability to survive in the world when it's anything more than walking to the kitchen or making myself a snack. When I don't have my family there to care for me and I have to make me own way and find people to love me and take care of me despite the fact that I'm "broken".
Then there are days when I think I'll kill myself if I have to live one more day with CFS hanging over my head.
CFS is a crutch, my crutch. As much as I do fight it, I think part of me will miss the always usable excuse why NOT to get of bed.
Maybe I'm just weak.
I don't know.
But I do know CFS and letting go of that is scary.
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