Well, the Thanksgiving season is upon us, and I've decided to do something a little different with this article. Usually I rant and rave about my life, and moan about the injustice. Ok, well, I kind of deserve to, but let me take a time-out from the whining and count my blessings.
I'm too pissed off at the world to actually sit down and make a list, so I'll just tell you the many reasons I am thankful for the one really good gift that CFS has given me.
Because of CFS I have grown a tremendous amount, and I see things that are usually hidden from those less observant, and "those less observant" tend to be teens. Despite the fact that I am often too sick for schooling, I have learned a lot.
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Before I got sick everything was much simpler in my eyes. Yes, all of the problems of the world were easy and if I could just be in control for one little day, everything would be fine.
OK, I still think that most of the people that have control over our lives are morons, but I have learned that things are not as simple as they appear. Yes, egotistical Adrienne has climbed down off her high horse long enough to realize some problems cannot be fixed by her soft voice talking all the time.
I've learned to be quiet. You don't know me, but trust me, that's a big step. I've learned that sometimes the most powerful words are the words left unsaid. But my knowledge is deeper than that, I've learned that some struggles (sometimes the worst kind) are silent ones. I always thought it was *romantic* for people to fight over what was right, each having a different version of the world. I thought that sacrifices were screams and that giving was done loudly.
Since I've gotten sick I've learned that sometimes the most selfless gestures are done without a word. Or worse, done with tears that nobody hears.
I thought that pain was visible and heart stopping. Sometimes pain is invisible. Sometimes no one knows. Sometimes people have to live their lives simply trying to overcome their unseen disability.
I also have learned how valuable people are. Sure, I always knew I needed my friends. But it was "need" with a nonchalant air. It was need *sometimes* it was need based on want.
Now I know what it is like, to have your body feel so untouchable you would trade anything for a simple hug. I've learned that despite my "loner" personality I am really someone who can only be a loner when everything falls into place and I feel such an excess of love, being alone won't make me suffer withdrawal.
I think I've reassessed my priorities as well. Before I got sick I had a vision of a "dream guy" or a "dream friend" or even a "dream family". My dream guy would be smart and intelligent and absolutely adore me. And good hair, good hair is must! ;)
Those are all good things but now the most attractive thing to me is someone who is content to simply sit with me all day. Someone who doesn't mind when I struggle for words, and doesn't get offended when I have to interrupt his story to sleep.
An ideal friend has become someone who doesn't walk away when I say "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" and doesn't balk when I tell the truth about my life. Someone who finds the right times to complain about her life, or even brag about it. Someone who understands they have to give part of me up (probably the best part) because I'm sick, but understand I miss the old me, too.
I've learned that you can't love someone unless you embrace their imperfections. Which I mainly learned when I had to recognize that people's feeling for me (true as they may be) were not "love". Love is much more accepting than they ever were.
That's hard to get. That the people I've spent years basing my life around were quickly becoming worthless.
Before I got sick, I had to have everything, I was afraid to spoil things and nothing was ever too much. But as I've gotten used to being sick I've realized that the little things are the things that matter the most. A heartfelt letter is much better than a box of chocolates and a note. The things (or the people) that make you think are much more valuable than the ones that simply try to distract you and hope the bad goes away.
The longer I stay sick the clearer my idea of who I want to be is. And I've learned that being glamorous and being famous isn't as important as simply being a worthwhile person.
I don't think I would trade all I've learned for the past year of my life, and the time it will take for the illness to run it's course.
But in the spirit of Thanksgiving I can look at what I have and realize that (uneven as it is) it's a trade, not a loss.
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