"You moved him, Adrienne"
I did? I thought there was only a void. For a long time now I've felt like I was silently screaming. I felt like I was stumbling around in the dark, looking for light when there was none to be found. And I was terrified.
Lately, though, I feel as if I'm being listened to. BLUEMOUNTAIN ARTS had receptionists week or something for MAY 12th. I wrote them, told them that MAY 12th was CFS awareness day, and they changed it!
I told a few of my friends that I had CFS, and gave them the link to my website. And they went!!
I had a really good conversation with my dad last night. He always says that if there were 30 kids on a playground and one was crying, I would go to that one. That is my best quality and my worst flaw. Now, looking over my own personal playground of the friends I made over the years I realize that they are all crying. Who can step up now that I need someone?
Surprising (surprising to ME) very, very few do.
Anyway, my father told a bunch of people that I said that, and they have a newfound respect for me. They had all been much older when that type of thought came to them, and it was all downhill from there. They were impressed.
My Grandmother previously told my family that she thought CFS was all in my head. Well, she never offically retracted that, but she told a friend of hers all about it. About the disease, how CDC is trying to find a cure, but is having trouble, how they take money away from CFS kids. She explained how I live in pain.
"You moved him, Adrienne" I was told today. Maybe, my Grandfather (who NEVER contacts anybody) will write me another letter. 2 in less than a year. He wrote my dad 2 in 35 years. I don't know HOW I moved him. Maybe it was my poetry, maybe it was my whining about CFS, maybe it was me. Does it matter?
I know that he has a dresser drawer full of the letters I've written him. I know he loves me.
I'm still scared. And more often than not, I still feel alone.
But there's a little feedback.
There's still a void, but it's not so dark.
The silence isn't so bad now.
It's sad, but, you know, SOMETIMES THEY LISTEN
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