Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
UNFAIR

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WELL, WHAT IS CFS?
REALIZATION
CFS FUN FACTS
BANNER EXCHANGE
WATCHING
MY FIGHT WITH CFS
To You NORMALS
SOMETIMES THEY LISTEN
Psychological Aspects
DAILY LOG
FUNNY THOUGHTS ON CFS
A DAY IN MY LIFE
MY LIFE
UNFAIR
I'M TRYING!!
THANKSGIVING
Normal. . .Almost
Growing Up Is Hard Enough
SIMPLE TASKS
I'M SCARED
BELIEVE ME
COMFORTABLE
SWEET 16
NOT EXACTLY EVEN
CFS POETRY
MY FAVORITE CFS SITES and MY WEBRINGS
OK, DONE NOW
SITES I LIKE
NOTHING BETTER TO DO
POEMS I LIKE
QUOTES
CONTACT ME (adoptables cont.)

"Did I request thee, maker, from my clay To mould me man? Did I solicit thee From Darkness to promote me?"
I wanted a normal life. That's all.
Okay, maybe I wanted an exceptional life, but exceptional in the normal ways, if that makes any sense at all. I wanted a family, I wanted friends, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be happy.
This, this half-life full of sorrow and hate and fear isn't what I deserve!
"Who are you to be beautiful, wealthy and famous? Actually, who are you not to be?"
I wasn't like that, I always knew what I deserved: the best.
I earned it, didn't I? I was good, I was giving, I was loving. I tried so hard!
What sin did I commit that earned me this?
"Who has sinned? This man or his parents?" "Neither has sinned, he was made this way so God could show his glory through his only son"
When do I get something more than myself to heal me? I trusted that there was a plan, that I was serving a purpose, that I was an instrument of God and so long as I tried to follow the path He set for me, He would be just.
Is this justice?? Is this fair?
I've been told life wasn't fair for as long as I can remember, but at the same time I believed that as long as I gave of myself I would be rewarded.
"It's not always even, but it always evens out"
What could make up for my isolation? My exile from the only life I've known? What could I be given that is enough to say 'my wasted youth was worth it?'
I'm supposed to be happy that I've finally mourned my old life and have accepted the new. How I can be pleased? How can I study my severly lowered expectations and my lack of enthusiam for my life and say 'yes, I'm progressing'?
Please, somebody! Tell me how I do that!
"You can't tell someone you love them when you're sick"
How true! While I eagerly wait by the phone, by the mail box, by my on-line account, I resist from depending on anyone. Why should I burden their lives? They have problems. They make mistakes.
But they don't know how I would trade anything to make the same mistake. So I would FINALLY have a story for my diary, my uncles, my friends. So my conversations and letters and entries could be more than idle chatter. Simply noise to fill the void.
That's all it ever is; noise to try to cover up the sound. Noise because we're afraid that if we're silent we will look at what we have and shudder.
How many times have I wanted to tell my friends, my family, my crush, how I feel? how many times have I suppressed my emotions, and chocked on my tears.
I'm terrifed to tell them. And not only because they will look an me as an empty thing, or worse, a broken thing, no longer worth their time. I'm scared that they WILL love me.
What good could that do? What would be the point of having someone care? They couldn't make it better.
It would only be one more person on my growing list that I let down.
No longer strong enoug, good enough, healthy enough, smart enough. My list of faults is close at hand always.
I'm not delusional.
And the funny thing is, that's all people think Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is, a delusion. A bad brain signal, a cloak to cover up what the evil is.
Don't they know that my cloak doesn't hide my mental problem (how I wish it did!) it hides my illness? I try to bury it. Yet, it always emerges, doesn't it? The haunting tune of truth. It follows me.
My walls are so high, even I have trouble seeing the other side. My defenses are so high, I cry because of what I've become.

Despite it all, I try to believe that God is good, life has a meaning, and my sorry existance isn't in vain.
Like Anne Frank said:
"Could anyone,Jew or non-Jew understand I am simple a girl in need of some rolicking fun?