Right now, I'm none too pleased with me life. How could anyone be? I was not exactly made to be bedridden. But, I'm still a creature of habit.
I've moved a lot, and I'm used to things changing. No matter where I am before too long I'll be calling "home". It's a survival technique. It's what makes me a mammal, I can adapt.
However, at the same time, I'm getting used to being sick. I've started to like the way my nightgown moves against my ankles. I'm beginning to enjoy the mind-numbing TV that I watch. And I've adapted to the life I have to lead. When you think about it, who needs to worry about a job? A life? Staying out of trouble?
Whenever I think like that, I have to yell at myself, "wake up!" This *isn't* what I want, not even close. I'll cry because this is so far from where I wanted to be, where I want to be.
But it's exhausting, fighting. God knows I have little enough energy as it is. Sometimes, I just want to sink into the acceptance of what I have. I'm just so tired.
I'll lie awake playing out scenes in my head about how great it would be to grow old in health, and be able to have a family, and a career, and a life! And I'll wish on every star in the sky for the chance to prove to the world how great I am.
Then, other times, I'll listen to my friends getting hurt, and my parents telling stories about how they got into trouble, and I just can't help but think, maybe I'm better off like this.
After a lot of soul searching and questioning every single thought and motive, I'm no closer to the answer, and I'm only sure of one thing: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome sucks!
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