When I woke up I was still tired. The sunlight was peeking in through my thin blinds and I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back asleep.
I lifted my head enough to see the clock, about 1:30. I had been sleeping (or trying to sleep) for 11 hours. I felt like I had slept for 11 minutes. I had been plauged most of the night with bad dreams. But I was used to it, I couldn't remember the last time I hadn't had scary dreams.
I closed my eyes and rested my heavy head against the pillow for another moment, allowing myself a minute more of much needed rest. There were so many feelings tumbling around inside my body. I needed a moment to sort them out.
I pulled the blanket over my head to block out the sun. I was hungry. I hadn't been eating much and my stomach eagerly rolled over under my skin. I was practically salivating at the thought of breakfast. I would have to get up to appease my stomach, if nothing else.
There was a dull ache in the back of my head. It would probably get worse, but it might go away. Either way, I was sure I would have a least a few dizzy spells.
The thick blanket was starting to get uncomfortable, trapping heat around my already warm skin. I could smell the sweet scent of sweat. I would also have to shower.
But I didn't want to move. Getting out of bed seemed impossible.
No one realizes how much energy it takes to shower until you have limited energy. How many times have I sat or lay down in the shower, letting the water beat down on me, too sick to stand? I don't know, but too many.
I walked slowly to the bathroom, angry at myself for being sick. My eyes quickly roamed over the small room. They rested on a delicate butterfly magnet that I had so carefully painted.
I wanted to throw it onto the hard tile floor. I wanted to see it shatter into a million tiny pieces. I felt the sudden desire to inflict pain, to make something cry out the same plea that I have cried for too long "Please! Stop!" I wanted to control something, prove that there was still a power in me, though it feels as if my soul is gone.
Instead I sat on the edge of the tub and rested my chin in my hands.
I wanted to call Megan or Katie or somebody. I desperatly needed to hear their happy accents and funny stories. I needed them to love me. It was late enough to call, but a school day. They would all be gone, busy with their own lives that didn't really include me.
I sighed, slipped off my clothes and stpped into the shower, letting the cool water run over my warm body. It felt nice, but I couldn't stay in for long. If I didn't get out soon I wouldn't be able to dry off and get dressed.
Why did I have to lead this life? Why did I have to hurt and suffer? Why did I have to live in fear? I'd asked myself those questions countless times over the past year. I wasn't any closer to an answer.
As I dried myself off I looked up and the sky "Oh, Help." I whispered softly to whoever would listen. "Help." |
